Unexpected Changes

I sit at this desk … realizing it has been over 8 hours since I lay down on my pillow.

It has been over 8 hours, 8 hours of rest that my body demanded and earn as I slept.

Many may say, “8 hours, so what.”

But this week is the beginning of something new.

You see, I have not been able to sleep for a consecutive 8 hours in… years! Yes, years.

Although I have had my light sleep issues as an adult, a mom  over the years, it is changing. I have come to sleep with my TV on, in my bedroom, for years. It used to be the radio. If I woke at 1, 3 or 4 in the morning, I was able to give my mind something to think about, other than life’s worries. And most of the time I was able to get back to sleep. But my sleep was, what I have come to think was pertinently altered, on Sept. 9th, 2010. And I have come to think that 3 to 5 hours of sleep was it. I have gotten used to this. The murder of my son disrupted my life and I have come to accept that.

What I did not expect was: on Sept 26, two years and 18 days after the death of my son, the witnessing of the sentencing of the sister/wife (and second perpetrator in the fate-filled day) I have, in fact, begun to sleep better.

I knew that my daughters seeing and witnessing the second perpetrator’s sentencing would help them. You see my older daughter babysat for the murder and kidnappers (about 4 years before the day of destruction) and the my younger daughter had met the perps in the Spring of 2010. I knew it would be cathartic for them, let alone help my daughter-in-law …  but, I will admit, I did not think it mattered much to me, personally. The murderer has been locked up since that night and that was of the utmost importance. And I knew the sister/wife was going to go to prison, eventually. What I didn’t realize is – that I had been holding my breath.

I know the sister/wife was only charged with the kidnapping and some drug charges; I know that it is more than difficult to “prove” when the sister/wife “knew” of my son’s murder on her property by her brother/husband; I know that many on both sides of the law and family wished she could have been convicted as an accessory, even if it was after the fact. Okay. But what I did not know is this sister/wife being out on bail was affecting me so much. I was so busy worrying about helping the others in my family that I overlooked the effect this portion of this mess was affecting me.

Here’s to making eye contact with perpetrators who have wronged your family. It will make you sleep better at night. I did me.

Advertisements