A determined path

Yesterday, I was out with the Search and Rescue doing Hug a Tree presentation to the Boy Scouts. One of our local Explore kids joined us (okay there were 2, but only one was new to me). As we sat enjoying the generous meal the Boy Scouts offered us, we chatted about many a subject including Charlie Manson, his followers and other criminals that have hit the headlines of late. Sargent Dave, a fellow SAR member, brought up a few names that the young 18-23-year-olds did not recognize right away as residents of Crowbar Motels (prisons). This young Explore, I will call him WS, like many of them, have goals to become Officers; to stand up for others.

‘It is actions like these, the senseless murders, that make me want to be work in corrections,’ WS said. He further admitted that the taking of another’s life confounded him. It was then that I shared.

It was about then that the Explorer I know changed sides of the table and came to sit beside me. He had heard the tale once before.

“Yes, it does not make sense why someone would choose to, plan to defraud….” And I proceeded in telling a cursory set of details about a young 19-year-old boy, man the papers said, who lost his life, and his beautiful fiancé whose life was altered that day too. And I spoke of the Orange Blob and his Sister-wife; the children they produced and the fact that his mother was a Pastor.

WS agreed, shaking head, that these types of actions don’t make sense.

It is then that I said, “I know that actions like these don’t make sense, but the DNA collected that day, off my son, etc. helped solve more cases.”

Yes, this took WS by surprise. I did my best to not hit him over the head with the shock of the case I was talking about, but I have learned there is no easy way to let anyone know you are speaking of your own family when the discussion is at hand.

Then came a true and caring, “How is your daughter-in-law?” from the Explorer who was now sitting beside me.

I smiled, then proudly said, “She is doing well. She really is.”

It was then that WS looked at me and said softly, ‘You are the most positive person I have met. I am not sure how you do it, but I think it’s great.’

WS’s right. I am a positive person, most of the time. I have my down times. I admit it.

I have longer stretches, not limited to mere moments, in which I am not so positive since my son was murdered and the changes this entire mess has had on our “family” that is left behind in the wake of it all. Those are, most often, private moments, or at least moments I only let an extremely limited number of people witness; hence why I am not seen by as many people as before the murder took place.

But back to the positiveness of it all.

I have promised myself to keep the me I like, even if that means regaining me. Long ago I promised myself to not let anyone take that me away from me. And because it is a positive thing I am trying my hardest, at times, to keep – me. I am not going to lie — I am struggling, at times, to look in the mirror and see the me that was here before this tragedy hit our family. It has changed me. It has changed us all to a large extent, but I like being positive. It is part of me that was there before and part of me which I showed my children, all of them.

And then there is that one last thing: I am determined to NOT let the Orange Blob (the murderer) and his Sister-wife take that away from me … too.